9 Tips to Deal With Your Narcissist Ex

A narcissist may come across as arrogant and selfish. They undermine others to inflate their own sense of self. They truly believe that the world revolves around them. People and things are there for them to use when and if they please. They are unable to show true empathy for others, which make it difficult to maintain a loving, healthy relationship.

When you first met your ex, he was probably a charmer. You truly believed that you had met your prince charming. In time, the fairytale began to crumble. He began criticizing you for the tiniest little thing. He blamed you for everything that he perceived to be wrong in his life and would point out all of your faults – real or imaginary. He became manipulative and controlling.

At one time, you may have believed that he loved you. It is important to ask yourself, if he really loved you or if he was in love with love, or just in love with the fact that you worshiped the ground he walked on.

On the other hand, your ex could have been self-centered during your marriage, but would communicate and appeared to act relatively normal during the marriage. Then the stresses of the divorce took over and unleashed a monster within. You may be wondering what happened because your ex has no resemblance to the man you married.

Your ex can become increasingly manipulative during and after divorce due to the stress, he may feel because of monetary issues, legal issues and custody battles as well as feelings of abandonment, betrayal and loss of control.

When dealing with the narcissist ex it is important to remain calm. The calmer you are, the more in control you will be.

 Here are 9 tips for dealing with the narcissist ex:

1. Get a good attorney that will look out for your rights regarding spousal and child support as well as equal division of the marital property.
2.  Accept the fact that you will not change him or his beliefs. Most, if not all of his demands during the divorce will be about what is convenient for him without regards to the feelings and needs of others involved.

3.  Refrain from the temptation to make other people see your side of the story. Your narcissist ex may be so charming that he has convinced other people that you are in the wrong and crazy for leaving him. People that never lived with him will find the truth hard to believe.

4.  Learn from your past mistakes. You may have been co-dependent with him or your own dependency may have given him complete power over you.

5.  Stick to your ground and do not let him sway you to give in. If you give in once, you are giving him power over you and it may lead into a cycle of him blaming and you giving in. Keep you power!

6.  Meet him in public places when it is necessary to see him. Discuss only the matter at hand. Before your meeting, visualize yourself remaining calm and in control. This will help you to maintain your composure when he tries to take control by pushing your buttons. You might also consider getting a mediator.

7. Block his number. He will still be able to leave messages and/or text you but you will be in control as to when you speak to him. When you hear him ranting or raving, remind yourself that you are responsible for your own actions, thoughts and feelings and he has no power over you unless you give it to him. Believe that you can and will control this situation in a matter that will continue to empower you.

8. Keep a journal regarding all contact you have with him. File a restraining order if he begins to threaten you or has became physically abusive.

9. Lastly, the easiest way for you to deal with your narcissist ex is to establish a “No Contact” rule. Do not contact him for anything and do not expect anything from him. Of course, this only works if you are fortunate enough not to have young children with him.

 

 

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Comments

  1. MM says

    Cindy, hi.

    I was checking your website as well as others similar (on divorced moms coaching) because I am on my way to become a coach too. I just wanted to say that among all sites I checked I found yours to have most substance and depth, and I also appreciated you honesty and openness to share your story.
    I came out of a >2 yr long divorce penniless and so emotionally battered (threats, name calling, manipulation). I gave up everything materially just to get off the hook and have peace. He wanted the money, the big house, and next week he actually remarries bringing his new spouse in the house I paid for during so many years. Me and the kids live in a place half the size and we are happy. I invested lots of the money I made after separation on my and my kids’ education (classes, mentors, coaches, etc). I am so glad I did this and now I am on the verge of moving towards work that I love and fulfills me, instead of wasting my time on him as other women do (they may feel choiceless). Like you, I want to show them that you can have a wonderful life after divorce, that you can finally be yourself fully and truly :-).
    At least our suffering will not be in vain…
    Blessings for the change you bring in the world,
    Yours,
    Mihaela

  2. says

    I too am dealing with a narcissist ex. I not only gave up on the material things. I have shared parenting with him, we have four children ages 17,15,11 and 9. He has tried to prove me an unfit mother time and time again. He does not speak or see our first born, and she is a good kid. He hurts me through the children. I do not speak to him only text him. He only gives me $166 a month for child support. I get $ 750 a month for spousal . and that will spot june 27th of 2015. It is not so much about the money, I just can’t find a lawyer that will listen to me. or does not want to deal with my ex…. Please help my kids.

    Denise

  3. Judith says

    I cannot say if my ex-husband is narcissistic or not. I divorced him 2 1/2 years ago after 34 years of marriage. My daughters now 32 and 25, do not have a good relationship with him. He said hurtful things to them growing up. He had arguments with my son. My son and he had a better relationship usually through sports. I think my son has internalized some negative thinking from him. I tried to intervene during blowups with the kids. Everybody got very emotional and I would try to be the voice of reason. I was really afraid of being a single mother and thought it would be worse for the kids. I also had my in laws next door who were a buffer, such being there for the kids when I worked evenings. When my in laws passed away, it became really evident to me that my husband had some kind of difficulties with any kind of problem. He did the blaming thing and yelled at me daily. Now that we are divorced, he seems to be a different person. He has a girlfriend 10 years younger than himself. He is always calm with me and says that therapy really helped him. We had gone to 2 1/2 years of marriage counselling together but he refused to go alone even though I told him we could stay together if he would try to resolve his problems. It has been better for me, not being married to him. He did have 2 personalities. One nice one for the public, and a nasty one for home.

  4. Tanja says

    I just divorced this extreme narcicisst. After a 20 plus year Mariage of Affairs and betrayals I had enough . After hiring an aggressive male attorney I went no contact. There are no minor children. All of sudden I was in control and came out the winner in the divorce. He lost everything. His house, his money, his son and all he had. Divorcing him was the best decision I ever made. No contact is the only way I keep my control. I will never look at him or talk to him again. He is pure evil. Thanks to the little minion he met. She can have him.

  5. Lisa says

    My narcissist ex (we dated for 3 years) broke up with me in August of this year (conveniently right after his birthday) and he has been hot and cold since…all classic narcissist behavior from what i have read…every time i stopped trying to contact him after a week he would cave in and contact me i would fall for his “I miss you” texts and be sucked back in then he would pull the same bs all over again…rinse and repeat. I thought things were finally going well in last month until I found out he cheated on me at the destination wedding he went to. The worst part? I picked him up and dropped him off at the airport we talked every day and he told me how much he missed me….meanwhile someone posted a picture on facebook of him with the brides sister and the caption was “smitten”…I confronted him about it over text and not only did he not respond he blocked me from everything and has not talked to me in almost 3 weeks!!! My sister just had a baby and he has only sent me ONE email after one i sent him that said “congrats on being an aunt hopefully this makes you a better calmer person” yes i will admit sometimes i did act crazy and react out of anger BUT it was always a reaction to something he did to provoke a response from me. He basically told me to “leave him be for a while” and I know its because there is someone else in the picture because this is the longest he has ever gone without talking to me and he seems so happy. My question is we used to gchat daily while we were both at work and gchat was one of the first things he blocked me on after i confronted him about cheating…BUT since i have my gmail up every day while i am at work anyways i have noticed that every single day at least 2-3 times a day he will unblock me for a minute then reblock me again and do the same thing 2-3 more times throughout the day…this has gone on for 3 weeks. Is he just doing it to mess with me? He is driving me crazy and so is this “silent treatment” ugh….I feel so helpless

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