I am miserable and do not know how to get un-miserable. Eight months ago my husband told me that he wanted a divorce. I knew that our marriage was not at its best, but I had no idea that the problems had reached the point of divorce. I am devastated over this decision. I love my husband and wanted my marriage to last. How will I ever be happy again? Janice in Nevada.
You need to grieve the loss of your marriage, as well as the loss of your hopes and dreams. You had a picture in your mind of what the rest of your life would look like and it included your husband.
You stated that the marriage was not at it’s best but you had no idea the problems reached the point of divorce. Ask yourself a few questions:
1) Was I wearing rose colored glasses?
2) Was I holding onto hope that HE would change?
3) What was I doing to improve our marriage?
4) What was I doing to improve myself?
5) Why did you want your marriage to last? (was it to save face? To have a companion? Or because you truly loved him exactly as he is?)
I understand that right now it is all about how you feel. I am sure you feel rejected, angry and sad and just want to be happy again.
Give yourself permission to feel the pain. Understand that feeling the pain is part of the healing process.
Do something for yourself each and every day. Some suggestions include, soaking in the bathtub, reading a good book, going out to dinner or to the movies, buying yourself something just because you like it, taking a walk in nature or a massage.
Sit down in a quiet place with a pen and paper and start writing. Don’t write with your mind - write from your heart. Make it a letter to your ex. Tell him exactly how you feel. How he hurt you, why you are angry at him and what you expected of him. Be honest and don’t worry about correct verbiage.
Next, DECIDE to let go of the pain. Do something with the letter - that feels right to you. Examples include tearing it up in a million pieces and flushing it down the toilet, burning it and scattering the ashes or folding it up and putting it in a box and hide it in the back of your closet.
Becoming unmiserable means that you have chosen not to dwell on the past. It means that you have decided to focus on you, your present moment and your future. It is a choice and with practice it becomes a part of your daily life. Everyday find everything you can that brings you joy and write them down in a gratitude journal. You do not need him to be happy again.