That might sound silly. You might think you miss him. You might think I’m totally crazy right now because that makes no sense. You’re hurting because you miss him. Everything you knew, felt, loved and did was about him. You might be wondering how the man you love so much could hurt you so badly. You miss your husband. Or, do you miss who you thought he was?
People have a way of showing us what they want us to see in the beginning. And we have a way of seeing what we want to see. As time goes on we’re in love with the idea of what we thought we saw and what we wanted to see. As humans, we try to avoid the things that hurt us, so we typically (subconsciously) don’t pay attention to those things. You might remember how he opened doors for you, but forgot he always left you with the bill. You might remember those sweet text messages checking up on you to see if you made it home, or was he checking up on you so he could go out or keep tabs on you?
You saw what he wanted you to see and what you wanted to see. You may have missed all the red flags because you were infatuated with the smoke screen he put up. You fell in love with the man you thought he was. Is he still that man? Or do you see another side now. He might kiss you every morning, but spend the day telling you how awful you are. Or perhaps he tells you you’re beautiful every night but stepped out on your marriage.
Every time you start to miss him, put some conscious thought into what’s going through your mind. What exactly do you miss? Are those little qualities or things actually him? Or are those things what you chose to see and pay attention to? For example, you might say he was a generous man, always treating you and friends to expensive dinners. But then you might think about how he always spent money on new shoes for himself while you never got new clothes, or how he typically stiffed the waiter. Was he really generous? Or were you paying attention to the wrong things?
Make a list of everything you miss about him. Then really look at that list and determine if those are the qualities he consistently displays, or if those are the things you thought he was made of. You could also be remembering who he used to be, but as the years passed he changed. Realistically looking at that can help you move on and find the man who really is all those things you want. Keep in mind, you won’t find that man until you become who you need to be for that man.
If you miss him because you are lonely, remember that the loneliest feeling in the world is being alone in a relationship.
Excellent article. Nothing like taking a look at reality. For all we do to avoid hurting, nothing moves us toward our feelings more than what is real. The last sentence of the article really drives the point home.