How to Let Go of the Past

Are you afraid that if you let go of the past that you will lose control over your life?

If you answered yes, you are not alone. You may be afraid that if you let go of the past, that your life will be in shambles. Many women feel that they need to control every aspect of their divorce and their life. They believe that if they are not in control, somehow that makes them a failure.

Control is a huge obstacle preventing you from being able to let go of the past. Subconsciously you want to control how happy or sad your ex is, how often he sees your children, that he follows your parental guidelines, how he spends his money or how he should pay for what he did to you. Think about it for a minute, and you will find that you want him to be a certain way. You do not want to just let him be him.

The harder you pull, the more energy you are exerting. The less energy you have, the less able to cope with stress you have. This leads you down a path of feeling bad about yourself and the world around you. It makes you tired. It hurts. You are only causing pain to yourself when you refuse to let go of the past.

As you continue to pull and tug, trying to get him to be the way you think he should be, you hold on to your beliefs tighter and tighter. The harder you pull, the worse you feel. For the most part he is just tugging back in order to prevent you from taking over.

Some people think that it’s holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it’s letting go. ~ Unknown

Once you let go of the past and let go of the past and let go of the need to control, what’s going to happen?

You may stumble and fall a bit, but this sets both of you free to make your own decisions, your own mistakes and to live your own life. When both of you are free, you will be able to communicate better, because you are not in a constant struggle to win - at all costs. The struggle has became so habitual, that neither of you probably even really know what the root cause is. You know you are hurting and you want him to hurt. The truth is, that you cannot hurt enough to make him hurt and you cannot feel good enough to make him feel good. So why bother trying?

You have the power to let go of the past, if you really want to. The choice is yours. It may be a bit scary, but once you stop the struggle, and stop the crazy mental tug of war, you will feel freer than you have for a long time.

How to Let Go of the Past?

1) Empty your cup. Create a plan of action and take the necessary steps to let go of your past, this includes the stories and attachments that you have added. These beliefs do not make you stronger or more powerful. To actively empty your cup, feel your feelings by pouring your heart out in a letter, screaming and yelling or crying until you cannot cry any more.

2) Accept what has happened. Your ex played a role in your life. That scene is over, whether or not you were ready for it to end. What your ex did or did not do and the fact that you are divorced does not define you. What defines you is how you choose to respond to everything that has happened to you, as well as your personal gifts, talents, values and beliefs.

3) Fill your cup. Fill up your heart and soul with beautiful things, such as gratefulness, kindness, acceptance and love. Help others by volunteering at a womens center, hospital, library or soup kitchen. Do something that you are passionate about, be it swimming, hiking, bowling or horseback riding.

4) Back to the future. Unlike in the movies you cannot change the past, therefore you need to let go of the past in order to secure a happy and fulfilling future. Dare to dream. What do you want your future to look like? Now develop a plan to get you there.

divorce-coach-1 divorce-coach-1 divorce-coach-1


  1. Sara says

    Great advice. Especially through a painful divorce. Letting go of control is sometimes the hardest part to move through, and can really surprise yourself.
    Thanks for this post.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *