Going through a divorce can be a heart-wrenching experience. Many people are not prepared for the emotional roller-coaster, which can be quite scary. You often feel very alone, misunderstood, angry, and might even think that you are actually going crazy. Let me assure you that you are not going crazy. You are just grieving the death of your marriage, as well as the loss of your hopes and dreams. Regardless if you chose to leave your marriage or if you were left, you were not ready for the barrage of emotions. Even if you were unhappy in your marriage, you thought that you had it all together. You knew what to expect from day to day. You had a very clear picture in your mind about what your future would look like. Now it’s all gone.
When you divorce, you go through all five of the grieving stages; denial, bargaining, depression, anger and finally acceptance. There is no particular order that you will go through these stages. There is no set length of time to grieve. Some people never reach the acceptance stage which keeps them stuck and unable to move forward. Your grieving time will be greatly reduced with the right kind of support and guidance.
Here are 5 Steps to Sail through the Grieving Process and MOVE FORWARD with Your Life!
1) Feel Your Feelings
We do all kinds of things to not feel any emotion that makes us feel bad. Perhaps you try to shove it down with food, alcohol, or drugs. You may try to distract yourself. Whatever it is that you are doing, know that it is imperative that you take the time to really feel your feelings. Grieving is okay!
Schedule time to mourn. Find a safe environment where you can release your emotions. This might be in your home or a secluded place in nature. To really feel your feelings, don’t judge them and don’t try to rush the process. Just allow them to be.
Releasing can be in the form of crying until you can’t cry anymore. It can be screaming at the top of your lungs, telling your ex exactly what you think. Or beating the crap out of something that will not hurt you. Journaling is also an excellent form of releasing. Don’t think about what you’re writing or about writing in proper English. Let all the pain flow from your subconscious to the paper. Once you are done writing, you may want to burn it or flush it down the toilet as a symbol of letting it go.
2) Focus on Solutions
Focus on what is in your control. There is only one thing on earth that you have the capability of changing and that’s yourself. You can change your thoughts and actions. Get a piece of paper and list every possible solution that you can think of. Choose a solution for each problem, and focus on it. As Bryon Katie teaches, there are three types of business; mine, yours and gods. Stay in your business and allow others to be responsible for theirs.
This can be the hardest step for a lot of people. Know that forgiveness does not mean that you like or condone what has happened. You don’t even have to tell the people involved that you have forgiven them. You forgive for yourself because it sets you free. Forgiveness is the only way for you to feel at peace as you move forward. Not forgiving is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. It is keeping yourself prisoner, when you hold the key. It is robbing yourself of peace, happiness, and freedom.
Forgiveness is a choice. You may have to choose to forgive every minute of the day at first. In time it becomes easier and will be second nature.
4) Find Yourself
During a marriage, we often compromise so much that we have forgotten about our own hopes and desires. There is a you without your spouse. One way to discover who you are and what you want to do is to remember how you played as a child. What were your dreams? What did you want to be? What did you enjoy doing?
To find yourself, it is necessary to step through the fear, out of your comfort zone and just start doing things. You will never know what you like and do not like until you try it. Write a list of at least 100 things that you would like to do. Each week choose at least one thing on that list and go out and do it. It could be as simple as dining alone or something adventurous, such as zip-lining.
5) Forge Ahead
Plan your future. Write a story that takes place one year into the future. In this story, write about all of the wonderful things that you have accomplished during the past year. Include new friendships and experiences. Dare to dream big in this story, because your future can be whatever you want it to be. Read the story to yourself daily and begin to watch miracles unfold in your life.
During this time it is imperative that you get the right type of support. Apply for a complimentary “Getting Unstuck” session with Cindy and discover what you can do to grieve your divorce and move forward in your life as quickly as possible. How long it takes you to let go, depends upon what you are willing to do to move forward.
i am planning a Thanksgiving Holiday with my 22 year old daughter and 32 year old son. My three grandchildren and daughter-in-law as well as my boyfriend were all going to get together in Glenwood Spring Colorado. My 22 year old daughter was offered a free room and plane ride to Glenwood. I thought everyone was excited to get together and we were in the planning stages. My daughter complained of the smoke in Missoula Montana and I offered her a place to stay in my new home in St. George Utah. She replied that she would never come and stay with me because she does not like my boyfriend. I hung the phone up and my heart was broken. I then called her back and canceled the trip to Glenwood. I did not feel comfortable with her negative behavior and rude comment. This behavior has been going on for three years. Any suggestions?