Ask Cindy: I Can’t Stop Crying - I Would Do Anything to Get Him Back …

I cannot stop crying. The slightest thing will bring on the tears. It has been six-months since my husband left. I miss him so much and would do anything to get him back.  ~Anita in Montana

When someone we love leaves us we go through all of five stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It is an emotional upheaval and crying is a part of the process. There is no rhyme or reason to the stages and there is no set time limit. You can often go from one to another and then back to the original one again. The ultimate goal is to reach the acceptance stage.

From what you are telling me, it appears that you are teetering between depression and bargaining. You are sad because he left you. Everything seems to remind you of him. You may hear his favorite song on the radio or pass his favorite restaurant. Other people may say or do something that reminds you of him and this leads to tears.

Bargaining is when you are willing to do anything to change your circumstances. You may think to yourself, if only he would come back, I will keep a cleaner house, I’ll dress nicer for him, I’ll cook better dinners, I wont complain about him going out with the guys or nag him for not taking out the trash. Chances are none of these things are what led him to leave. I’d also like to ask you, why would you give up your core identity to get someone back, who obviously doesn’t love you in the same way you love him?

I would suggest that you FEEL your feelings. Crying is okay. Cry until you can’t cry anymore. Know that it is okay to be sad. Find a quiet space and cry, feel your sadness. Notice how it affects your body. Just be with it and do not judge it. Let the feeling play out in its entirety.

Find some support. You could find a trusted friend, see a therapist or see if you qualify for a Getting Unstuck session with me, at no cost to you.

Know that you WILL get through this. It is a process. Find hope and encouragement from others that have been where you are. You will eventually be able to stop crying.

Start doing things. Accept invitations to go out. Join a group that participates in an activity that you enjoy or have always wanted to learn, such as yoga, volleyball or hiking. Throw a party and invite all of your single friends and ask them to bring at least one other single friend with them. This is a great way to mingle, meet new friends and ultimately lead to more opportunities to go out and experience new things.