He’s Spreading Lies about Me

One of the statements I often hear from women is that their former spouse constantly tells lies, either about their circumstances or about the woman herself. They ask, “What can I do about all the lies he is telling?”

Let’s face it, some men are just angry and full of bitterness. Some men are unable to take 100% responsibility for themselves, thus they get off by blaming others. Thy will do anything to make themselves look better.

Due to your sense of fairness, you may want the judge to know every dirty-rotten thing that your ex (or soon to be ex) has said and done to you. You want him to pay for his actions and believe or hope that the courts will see it your way and punish him. This is just simply not the case. The judge is there to divide assets equitably and to decide on child custody and support issues. Family law judges have seen it all, probably scenarios that you would never even have thought of. They are growing increasingly impatient with spouses who intentionally mislead the court or attempt to drag the process on.

Paul is lying about his income …

Rhonda knew that Paul received large monthly bonuses, yet he did not disclose this information on the financial forms. Rhonda can confront Paul. But, seriously how would this turn out? It would most likely end up being a huge argument, whereas Rhonda loses her temper. It also gives Paul a heads up that Rhonda is on to him. This gives him more time to hide or transfer assets. Face it, life is not fair, regardless what situation you are talking about. You are getting a divorce for a reason. Both of you are hurt and angry. Many of his lies may be to push your buttons, why give him the satisfaction?

If your ex is lying about assets or income, let your attorney know. Actually, you should let your attorney know about any lies that you are aware of. Once you tell your attorney, let him/her handle the situation. You are very heavily emotionally invested in the outcome, thus you may make decisions that would be detrimental to your future.

Most of the lies I hear about , have nothing to do with the ex hiding assets or money. These are lies to directly hurt you …

Zoe received a phone call from a good friend telling her to check out Alan’s Facebook post.

Zoe was shocked at what she read. Alan stated that Zoe was a mean, evil bitch and that she never understood him. Alan also stated that Zoe was not to be trusted. Zoe cried and cried all night. She had been a good wife and mother. Alan is the one that dumped her. How could he believe such awful things about her?

Zoe walked around in a funk for a long time, until she realized that Alan’s beliefs about her were not true, and she did not have to accept them as truth. Most people described her as a loving and caring woman. This is what she clung to in order to build her self-confidence.

Tina received a volatile phone call from her ex’s mother.

The mother told Tina that Ben no longer loved her and to stop stalking him. This angered Tina, as she was trying desperately to move forward in her life and Ben kept harassing her. Ben would show up to her work demanding to see her. He called her family and friends at all hours of the night trying to get them to talk Tina into reconciling.

After some contemplation about what her options were, Tina got a restraining order against Ben and his mother. She chose to let these people believe what they would. She understood that they were trying to bring her down to their level.

Joy received an angry phone call from her ex’s sister, Tammy.

Tammy yelled at Joy, telling her to grow up and leave Mark alone. Tammy said she knew that Joy had put water in Mark’s gas tank and was making threatening phone calls to Mark’s new girlfriend. In truth, Joy had not done any of these things. Joy hadn’t even thought about Mark in months. However, she had heard that Mark was cheating on his new girlfriend. Joy told Tammy, that she had better things to do with her life and that maybe this other girlfriend was creating all of the drama.

Bottom line, is that you have the option to wrap yourself up in your ex’s lies and drama or to separate yourself from it. You may not be able to escape hearing or reading about the lies, however you can choose to NOT allow these lies to mess with you. You can choose to laugh at the fact that your ex has nothing better to do than to spread lies about you.

I understand that having lies told about you is no fun. However, if he is lying to his friends and family and they choose to believe it, you don’t need to associate with them. Let them believe what they will.

If he is telling lies to your family and friends, chances are they will see them for what they are. Your family and friends love you and know you. They base their love on what they know – not what they are told.

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind” Bernard M. Baruch

When you hear lies about you ask yourself the following questions:

1) Is it true?

If yes, do you want to change it? The choice is yours. If no, choose to let him have his opinion and let it go.

2) Does it affect your livelihood or that of those that are closest to you?

If yes, what actions can you take to prevent adverse effects? (such as if he is telling lies to your work in an effort to get you fired.)

If no, then it’s his problem, not yours, let it go.

3) Why does this lie matter to you?

4) What can you do about it?

If there is nothing you can do, then why are you wasting your energy?

If there is a positive action you can take, then take it.

Regardless of what you choose, know that you will live with the consequences of your actions (or lack of). You are getting a divorce for a reason. You cannot reason with your ex, and if you try this gives him power over you and he will keep on telling the lies.

Most mothers have experienced the following scenario: Brian calls Amy names. Amy cries to mom, make him stop. He is so mean and he is hurting my feelings! Mom says, “Don’t let him see that it’s bothering you. He’s only doing it to get a reaction out of you.” This same advice applies to you when your ex is lying about you.

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