Being angry before, during and after divorce is extremely common, and is good to a point. You may be going around town, telling your family and friends, “My Ex is a %!@?” or “My Ex is with his %!@?”
I find it interesting that when I ask women “Is this true?” Their answer is always a definite yes!
When something is true, it means that every single person that has ever lived or will live see’s it the same way. Even a two-year old can tell you, that it is true.
Let me ask you again:
- Is it true that your ex is a “%!@?”
- Is it true that the other woman is a “%!@?”
It doesn’t matter what word that you replace the “%!@?” with. It could be something as simple as a “fat cow” or a “narcissist” or a “selfish pig.”
The BIG question is how do you feel when you say it? Does it make you feel better? Does it vindicate your truth that you are right? Does it help you to let go and move forward? What benefit do you get from using these words?
It is typical human behavior to get angry and lash out at the person we are angry at, with words or actions. For example, one of my private one-on-one clients had the following experience:
Her ex gave her a kiss good-bye when he left for work. He told her he loved her. One hour later she was served with divorce papers. He had a big screen television in the living room that was “his property” and no one could watch it without him. She was so angry at him, that she left the television on 24/7 to use it up as much as she could before she had to give it back to him.
I asked her, how do you feel when you hear the television on and see it on every time you walk by? After some thought, she realized that her first thought was, “I’m getting even,” and then all it did was fuel her anger.
Therefore, when you say, “my ex is a %!@? - Are you fueling your own anger?
I one-hundred percent believe that your belief and perception is that your ex is a “%!@?.” And you have every right to think this way, because of the pain and confusion you felt based on his actions or words. You also have the right to believe that the other woman is a %!@?. After all, she has what you wanted - him. You also realized that she has all of the problems that he created for you as well (or in due time, she will.)
How do you think it would benefit you if you stopped verbalizing that your ex is a %!@?
“Your perception of me is a reflection of you; my reaction to you is an awareness of me.” ~ Unknown
This is an interesting quote. However, it goes both ways, your perception of your ex is a reflection of you. How do and will others see you if you persist in stating that your ex is a %!@?
Is this how you want others to see you?
Suppose you stopped vocalizing your belief about your ex and began focusing on who you are and what you can do. What would you be telling your friends then? Perhaps you would be telling them about a new adventure you’re going on, like a road trip across the country, or, maybe that you tried some new food that you’ve never had before. You might even be telling them how excited you are that you get to go back to school and make your dreams come true.
“The battle you are going through is NOT fueled by the words or actions of others; it is fueled by the mind that gives it importance.” ~ Shannon L. Alder
While being upset and calling your ex or his new girlfriend a %!@?, may make you feel good and vindicated in the moment, it does nothing to help you heal and move forward. If you feel stuck, or if you are sick and tired of feeling angry and or depressed, I challenge you to start focusing on you - on what you want to do and on what you can do, rather than focus on the “%!@?” and all the drama that comes with him.
judith Chester says
I have made friends and started new activities in a new location. I have done all that I have wanted to except finding a new relationship. I get overwhelmed when thinking of this and cannot even make the first step. I still feel anger, quilt and resentment. Most people say I need more time. It’s been 3 years, although I was very sick for the first year of the divorce.