There is a recovery process when you go through a divorce. Some experts have stated that a divorce is the most stressful period of a woman’s life – even more stressful than death. When you go through a divorce it seems that the advice most people give you is the number one myth about your divorce recovery – “Time heals all wounds.”
Do you really believe that time will heal all of the wounds from your marriage and divorce like this myth states?
Is it possible that the pain gets hidden or fades into the background due to life itself?
How does time heal anything?
Valerie was physically abused by her mother. At the tender age of 10, Valerie drew an ugly picture of her teacher and her mom got called into the principal’s office. Later, that evening at home, her mother flew into a fit of rage, kicking Valerie to the ground and stomping on her hand and wrist. It was obvious that Valerie’s wrist was broken, however her mother refused to take her to the doctor. Valerie knew better than to cry in front of her mother, as this would have made the situation worse.
In time the physical pain stopped. In time Valerie could use her hand, though it did not work at 100-percent. However, it was never “healed.” To this day, Valerie has many limitations due to her hand, such as not being able to lay her hand straight and a hard time grasping certain objects. It also serves as a reminder of the abuse she suffered as a child.
With the proper medical treatment, Valerie’s hand could have been fully restored. With the proper guidance and support, YOU TOO can be fully healed from the pain you endured during your marriage and divorce. Believing the myth that the pain will go away in time will just set you up for more heartache in the future.
Scars you may develop by believing the myth “time can heal all wounds:”
Complete divorce recovery includes loving yourself, gaining self-confidence, and forgiveness. If you do not take time to discover who you are, what your passions are and what you want out of life, you may be setting yourself up for disappointment. Your future might be one of loneliness or depression. If you believe you need a man in your life to be happy and whole, you are likely to meet and fall in love with a man just like your ex, just with a different name and a different face.
Another divorce myth tells you to ignore the pain of your divorce. Shoving your emotions down, acting like it does not matter, believing that if you don’t think about it, it will not exist is just asking for BIG TIME trouble down the road because you become a ticking-time bomb. The explosion may be small or it may be humongous, and you will pay the consequences for not dealing with your pain. You might not even realize that the eruption had anything to do with the divorce and wonder what the hell just happened. The blast might come about as a host of physical ailments. The point is PAIN WILL NOT SIMPLY DISAPPEAR. You need to DECIDE to take some action to deal with the pain and let it go.
You might take another path and drown your sorrow with food, drugs, alcohol or even work, which creates a whole new set of problems and challenges that you will need to deal with. Drug and alcohol addiction is a dangerous road to go down, need I say more? Eating too much, will make you gain weight, which in turn will leave you feeling less attractive, less worthy and undeserving of love – even the love of yourself. Drowning yourself in work can lead to big time burnout, or an empty hole inside because you have left yourself behind.
How You Can Be Whole and Happy with Divorce Recovery
1. Allow yourself to grieve. Completely feeling your emotions is the only way to heal them. Because you don’t want to feel bad, this can be a difficult step to follow. However, it’s just as necessary as the pain a doctor causes when he sets a broken bone.
2. Learn from your past. Take responsibility for everything that you did during the marriage – even if it was doing nothing. You are 100-percent responsible for your thoughts and emotions. No one can make you feel any way. You feel the way you do, because of the story you tell yourself. DO NOT be responsible for your ex. He is 100-percent responsible for his thoughts, emotions and actions.
3. Forgive you ex, forgive the other woman and forgive yourself! Forgiveness sets you free and allows you to enter the next chapter of your life with a clean slate. Holding anger and spite only damages you – why would you want to hurt yourself?
4. Discover who you are and what you really want out of life. During your marriage, you lost little pieces of you, either believing it was for the benefit of the marriage or by trying to save it. You might want to make friends with these parts of you that you let go. You get to choose how your life will be. You can decide what pieces to throw away, give away or to keep and cherish.
5. Accept what you cannot control. There is ONLY one thing in this universe that you can control – Yourself! You can control your thoughts and your actions. You control how you will and will not allow others to treat you. Byron Katie teaches us that there are three types of businesses, mine, yours and Gods. Stop getting into Gods and other peoples business and concentrate on yours. When you fill your own cup, then and only then will you be able to fill others.
Time in of itself does not heal all wounds. However, it does take some time to heal and step forward into a happy newly single you! You ask how long will it take? It’s up to you. It can take a couple of months or years, depending upon what you are willing to do for your own healthy divorce recovery.
Chat with Cindy, about how you can begin your own path to your healthy divorce recovery.